I try, I try hard.
I try to sleep, I try to wake up.
I try to play, I try to run.
All these things, I try to do.
I think I put in a lot of me, but I also know I didn’t.
I think I can do it, but also know I can’t.
Waking up every day, answering questions
Is everything okay?
The answer isn’t no, it’s I don’t know.
I don’t, I wish I knew.
It’s been a long time since I felt an emotion truly
I laugh but I don’t, I cry but I don’t.
I shout but inaudibly, I speak but words don’t come out.
I don’t know how this began, I can’t say what happened.
I can’t blame a person or place,
But slowly and gradually,
I have started to drown.
And I don’t know how to swim.
Sometimes I wish I knew, but other times, I don’t care.
Oh yes, I do have people who love me
And I love them back,
They ask me what they could do to help,
But I don’t know what I need help for.
Surely, something has changed.
Something which doesn’t fit in.
Something I can’t speak, hear or even feel.
I want to seek help, but I am so afraid to talk.
I don’t know what I might say
What I might reveal.
Who might get to know, who might make fun.
And to be honest, I wonder whom I can approach.
They will probably think it’s just a heart break,
Or just an exam result .
Or just an accident.
But I know it’s more than that.
It’s more than what I can say,
It’s more than they can hear.
Maybe I am just afraid,
Yes that is it.
I am just afraid that they will get to know.
They will listen and tell.
They will talk, share, show sympathy.
And I don’t want that.
Cuz they don’t care.
And I know that.
I think they call this depression, I am not sure.
If only it was easier to speak out aloud,
If only it was easier to talk than to write.
I think it would be easier.
I don’t believe, I think.